Co-parenting communication: Habits that help kids feel secure after divorce

It’s no secret that divorce is messy and hard on everyone involved – it’s a lot of change, especially for kids. While parents are trying to figure out divorced parenting, kids lose the predictability they once knew and relied on to feel secure.

Nearly a third of kids in the United States aren’t living with two parents today. In fact, 32 percent of children ages 12 to 17 lived with just one parent in 2023, most commonly with their mother only.

This is where co-parenting comes in, and its success hinges greatly on communication. Below we outline tips and tools to help you communicate and co-parent.

What is co-parenting?

Co-parenting is when divorced or separated parents agree to still parent together. This means they’re agreeing to maintain communication, make decisions about the child together and, overall, stay involved with each other enough to raise their child as a unit without remaining in a romantic relationship.

Co-parenting vs. parallel parenting

In contrast to co-parenting is parallel parenting. A parallel parenting plan is when the two parents choose not to communicate and have little to no contact with each other. Each is committed to raising their child independently of the other and making the day-to-day decisions on their own when the child is in their care. Communication is usually very minimal.

Parallel parenting and co-parenting keep both parents in your child’s life; however, the way parents interact is different in each. Co-parenting relies on cooperation and communication, while parallel parenting relies on distance.

Parallel parenting is usually reserved for extreme situations, where the two parents just cannot work together. While ultimately which you choose depends on your situation, co-parenting is generally considered better for kids. A review of 60 studies on shared parenting found that 90% of them showed that children in joint custody had equal or better outcomes than kids in sole custody, across measures like academics, emotional health and behavior.

6 co-parenting communication habits that help kids feel secure

Successful co-parenting relies on communication. Good communication from the start establishes clear expectations and goes a long way in creating the predictability your child needs to feel secure. The following are tips, tools and habits to make co-parenting easier on everyone.

1. Remove your child from the middle

First and foremost, coparents should never put the child in the middle of their adult issues. This means that kids shouldn’t be the “messenger” between parents, and neither parent should discuss adult matters and conflicts with or in front of the child. Agreeing on this sets a strong expectation from the start of your divorce parenting plan, and it goes a long way in helping your child feel safe and secure amid all the changes.

2. Keep it simple and calm

As you make your co-parenting plan, it’s important to keep it simple and easy for both parties to follow. Outline your expectations and be as clear as you can up front. Keep it child-centered and start with the basic parenting you agree on.

Disagreements and misunderstandings will come up, especially when emotions are already running high. Both parents should make it a goal to remain calm, speak with an even tone and show kindness and respect in all situations. If a message or conversation feels reactive, you have every right and should pause before responding to avoid reacting in the heat of the moment.

3. Set boundaries

Boundaries will help both parties keep to the expectations and protect everyone’s peace. For example, agree that handoffs are for logistics only and not to hash out old disagreements. Agree to leave anything unrelated to your child for a private conversation or skip it altogether.

4. Coordinate with technology

Technology can help you coordinate and communicate. A shared co-parenting calendar, for example, can help prevent miscommunication regarding split custody and child activities. A parenting app can help you document and track communication in an organized way.

Another useful tool? A home phone. A home phone or a phone your child can safely use, like MyPhone by Ooma will help them feel connected to both parents no matter who they’re staying with at the moment. And bonus, since it’s not a smartphone, you won’t have to worry about internet and phone safety and will aide in delaying smartphones for children.

5. Build a communication routine

With tools like a shared parenting calendar, parenting apps and a child-friendly phone for easy access to both parents, you can build a communication routine that works for everyone. It should include how often the child talks to each parent, no matter which house they’re at, and how and when the parents communicate on child-related topics.

6. Back each other up

It’s very important in divorce and parenting that your kids see their two parents on the same team – even on days when you don’t feel that way. If your coparent takes point and makes an executive decision, be it about bedtime, a schedule change or a rule, you should back them up. It hurts the predictability you’re trying to create if you second-guess each other in front of your child.

Watch for signs your child is struggling

Using the best co-parenting tools and plans doesn’t guarantee your child will adjust well. Stress and anxiety from the situation can present in several ways. Watch for poor sleep, loss of appetite, problems at school or unusual behavior. You know your child, so if something seems off, address it. Listening to and acknowledging their feelings, as well as working together as coparents to address concerns, are great places to start. Ooma offers a parent resources that can be helpful here too.

Even the best laid plans can go awry. Co-parenting won’t always be perfect. But two coparents committed to doing what’s best for their child already puts you ahead of the crowd. Coupled with proper planning, referencing proper parent resources and the right communication tools, it sets you up for success even when things are less than ideal.